Quotes by Gilbert Gottfried (Comedian/American).

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I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
• Gilbert Gottfried
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Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
• Gilbert Gottfried
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There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.
• Gilbert Gottfried

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