Quotes by Jen Kirkman (Comedian/American).

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Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
• Jen Kirkman
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What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.
• Jen Kirkman
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Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
• Jen Kirkman
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The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
• Jen Kirkman
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I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
• Jen Kirkman
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I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.
• Jen Kirkman
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Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
• Jen Kirkman
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I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'
• Jen Kirkman
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Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
• Jen Kirkman
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Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.
• Jen Kirkman
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Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
• Jen Kirkman
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Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.
• Jen Kirkman
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Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.
• Jen Kirkman
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I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
• Jen Kirkman
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I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.
• Jen Kirkman
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We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
• Jen Kirkman
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I'm not a big fan of young people.
• Jen Kirkman
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I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
• Jen Kirkman
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Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.
• Jen Kirkman
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I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
• Jen Kirkman
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Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time.
• Jen Kirkman
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As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.
• Jen Kirkman
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I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.
• Jen Kirkman
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At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
• Jen Kirkman
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By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
• Jen Kirkman

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